Dealing with all of the emotions surrounding Sophie’s 1st birthday a/k/a, the day she died…ugh, it’s been a tough week. My body feels heavy—like it’s been hit by a truck. Thank you everyone out there for the emails and messages. Thanks for reading this blog. It’s comforting to know someone’s listening.

I’ve been pulling out all of the tricks I know to help keep me grounded. Writing. Crying. Yoga. Seeing my therapist.

Today, my therapist had me talk to the new baby in my belly. With all the tumultuous emotions I’ve been going through, she thought it would be a good idea to explain the situation to the new little one — to let her know that I’m not upset because of her. But let me back up a moment. So, here’s my confession: I am actually quite a ways into this pregnancy. Let’s see…it’s the 24th week, which I believe means I’m now in the 6th month. And yes, I’m having another girl, which I’m thrilled about. (Of course had this baby turned out to be a boy, I would have been happy too. Let’s get real: a living baby. That’s the goal.)

To be expected, being pregnant after the loss of Sophie, I have been anxious a lot of the time. I analyze every gas bubble, muscle twinge, crampy feeling…is that normal? Is the new baby okay?

Over the past month, I have been feeling this baby move more and more each day. One of her signature moves is to stretch out her legs and stretch out her arms at the same time. I can feel her from one side of my belly clear to the other side. So amazing. But when she’s quiet, sleeping, not moving, I’ll start panicking…uh, how come she hasn’t kicked me? Is she okay? This will prompt me to drink juice or eat a peanut butter sandwich just to make her move, so I can check if she’s still alive.